Life is a Power Exchange
When I began my career teaching about power exchange and power dynamics, I always started with the same question:
Are you dominant or submissive?
Don’t answer. You already know the answer in your head. But let me give you a shortcut:
You’re both.
When you understand this about yourself—when you grasp both sides of power—you unlock a deeper awareness. You stop seeing power as a rigid hierarchy and start recognizing its fluidity. Power is not just about taking charge or yielding; it’s about negotiation, exchange, and synergy.
I didn’t always have the language for this, but my experiences as a professional dominatrix, kink educator, and leadership coach taught me that life itself is a power exchange. Every interaction, every relationship, every dynamic is a shifting negotiation of influence, control, and trust.
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The Attempt to Divorce Power from Kink
In 2023, I launched The Power Playground with the goal of teaching people about power. But, overridden by shame, I attempted to distance myself from the kink community. I tried talking about power through a “vanilla” lens, stripping away my background as a dominatrix and BDSM educator. I thought I could reframe power in a way that was palatable, digestible, and mainstream.
But I failed.
Because the truth is, everything I learned about power—its depths, its nuances, its responsibilities—came from kink. Kink is not an escape from reality; it is a mirror of it. Dominance and submission exist in boardrooms, in friendships, in families, in government structures. They exist in every negotiation, every agreement, every unspoken rule.
The power dynamics I embodied in my roles as a Domme and as a Little were not just facets of kink; they were facets of life. They taught me that we all oscillate between leadership and surrender, control and vulnerability.
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Power Exchange Exists Everywhere
I remember the day I was laid off from my tech job in 2020. My manager, someone I had once described as the older sister I never wanted, broke the news.
“I thought you were going to take this really badly… or really well,” she admitted.
I sighed in relief. “I figured this was coming.”
She was surprised by my reaction, but I wasn’t. Because I understood the game. I wasn’t being laid off because of personal failure—it was business. Over 3,000 others were being let go that same day. This wasn’t just about me; it was about the larger structure at play.
What made our relationship difficult was that I had seen both sides of her. She wasn’t just my boss—she was a person navigating her own power dynamics. She had authority over me, but she was also submissive to forces beyond her control.
That’s when I truly understood: power is never absolute. It is always in flux.
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Every Interaction is a Scene
In BDSM, before any scene begins, there is a negotiation:
Who is the top? Who is the bottom?
What kind of scene are we creating?
What are the agreed-upon boundaries?
What is the rhythm of the interaction?
How does it end?
What aftercare is needed?
These explicit negotiations in BDSM reveal what’s always happening beneath the surface of everyday interactions.
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The Invisible Exchange
Life operates the same way. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, or a social interaction, every moment involves these unspoken negotiations. Some scenes are short—like a five-minute conversation with a stranger. Others last years, like a career or a marriage.
People assume power exchange only happens when both parties explicitly agree to it. But in reality, power exchange happens the moment two people interact.
It’s in:
The unspoken rules of a friendship.
The silent hierarchies in a workplace.
The access one person has that another doesn’t.
The way people dress, speak, and move to signal authority or deference.
Power is not just something you take. It’s something that is given, exchanged, and shaped by the dynamic between people.
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The Responsibility of Leadership
One of the most important lessons I learned as a Dominant is that leaders take care of those they lead. I always say:
A Domme must care for their submissive the way a homeowner cares for their house and a boss cares for their employees—because without a submissive, a Domme is just a title, just as a boss is nothing without their team and a homeowner is simply someone with a set of keys. The role isn't just about holding power; it's about stewardship. A house becomes a home through care, just as a workplace thrives when a leader nurtures their employees into a career, and just as a Dominant earns their title by honoring the power exchange with trust, love, and respect.
Understanding this dual nature of power—its give and take, its ebb and flow—transforms how we move through the world. We become more conscious leaders and more graceful followers, knowing each role is temporary and necessary.
The question is not whether you are dominant or submissive.
The question is: How will you wield power when it’s in your hands? And how will you surrender to it when it’s not?
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